I am trying so hard to be positive with what is going on at work as there's so much good going on in my life at the same time. I'm not one for toxic positivity though. I think I've blogged about that before (my ex was very into it). Positivity is about identifying the problem then finding the solution and working towards that.
I'm not being prevented from working towards the solution. That was a major problem in my past. My mother would deny the existence of the problem because fixing whatever it was would be too difficult and I should therefore, learn to suffer and do the bidding of whatever someone else's whims (often induced by their own mental health or personality disorder problems were) regardless of what damage it did to my own life or the potential danger. Then with my ex and the toxic positivity it was always, "you'll fix your problems" without letting me have the time needed to do so and he would then dump more problems on me. Some of those extra problems aren't ones with solutions, so I've needed to learn to live with them while he carries on with his life adored by all and I'm isolated.
They're both gone. I can do what I want and I've been working towards the solution, which is obviously new employment unless a complete miracle happens and the new-found paranoid delusion induced office rules of no phone (and I'm not talking a phone in our bags so we can hear it or feel its vibrations if a problem occurs at school with my child, I'm talking locked away) are taken away. This situation has given me all the symptoms of a full-blown anxiety disorder. The physical symptoms kicked in on Monday and haven't left. I'm terrified that I'm going to be permanently signed off work because my body can't cope. I can't even afford to be temporarily signed off.
With the phone, my son's school sends a text if he hasn't shown up at all that day. He's clumsy as fuck. Although he meets his friends at the halfway point, what happens if he breaks his leg before then? The text comes at around 1030, so that's already a few hours of him lying there with a broken bone. What happens if he has a panic attack during the course of the day? His friends have been good and he's learned coping techniques while still being on that waiting list. So, maybe that is less of an issue, but it is still an issue. Plus, we've had problems with some of his family members in the past. If he doesn't show up to school, I need to know because I might need to phone the police. Although that has been less of an issue since #metoo and the one particularly bad incident involved his father who is now dead. But the fact that these issues have occurred. The school is meant to phone me if he doesn't show up to his lessons, but they don't. I've asked them repeatedly to do so, but it never happens. My child isn't a little angel, but he isn't one to cut class. If he isn't showing up, there's something wrong.
I think the worst part is, I loved my workplace until a few weeks ago. Like I love working in marketing and working towards where I wanted to be when I graduated. But as with all careers, there are good jobs and bad jobs. Mine was a good one. It was really good. A real positive and happy atmosphere. A great team. Yeah as with all office environments, there were some bad elements, maybe even pink flags. But they'd be identified and dealt with quickly. There weren't even any red flags, like there would be in a bad relationship. It was great. I have worked there just over a year. And although my body couldn't handle both full time work and having a life, I was happy. I was on track to have my life back after the ten years between graduation and #metoo. A bit broken and low on energy, but on track and happy. And that's what was important. I was even starting to think about whether I want to start dating again in the not-as-distant future. That's how well things were going for me.
I meant to update my website yesterday but I ended up with one of those headaches I used to get in the past, prior to #metoo. At least it didn't include vomiting, but they are intense. So, I haven't added anymore to my AI pages (those are a labour of love anyways), I didn't get any work done on my novel and although I started a portfolio piece (because I doubt companies will hire me based on hentai and drug taking dragons), I didn't complete it. But I rested and that is equally as important.
And as I said at the start of this post, there's some really good things happening in my life right now...
The most obvious good thing is my house. I'm finally going to have a decent place to live, even if it is social housing. After years of repairs that would only last a week or two, they're fixing everything! Unfortunately as the workers dig in, they find more problems. This is interfering a bit with Friday Night Story Time, but for the first time since I was a very young child, I'm going to have somewhere nice to live.
Here's where we're up to:
Day One:
I'm not being prevented from working towards the solution. That was a major problem in my past. My mother would deny the existence of the problem because fixing whatever it was would be too difficult and I should therefore, learn to suffer and do the bidding of whatever someone else's whims (often induced by their own mental health or personality disorder problems were) regardless of what damage it did to my own life or the potential danger. Then with my ex and the toxic positivity it was always, "you'll fix your problems" without letting me have the time needed to do so and he would then dump more problems on me. Some of those extra problems aren't ones with solutions, so I've needed to learn to live with them while he carries on with his life adored by all and I'm isolated.
They're both gone. I can do what I want and I've been working towards the solution, which is obviously new employment unless a complete miracle happens and the new-found paranoid delusion induced office rules of no phone (and I'm not talking a phone in our bags so we can hear it or feel its vibrations if a problem occurs at school with my child, I'm talking locked away) are taken away. This situation has given me all the symptoms of a full-blown anxiety disorder. The physical symptoms kicked in on Monday and haven't left. I'm terrified that I'm going to be permanently signed off work because my body can't cope. I can't even afford to be temporarily signed off.
With the phone, my son's school sends a text if he hasn't shown up at all that day. He's clumsy as fuck. Although he meets his friends at the halfway point, what happens if he breaks his leg before then? The text comes at around 1030, so that's already a few hours of him lying there with a broken bone. What happens if he has a panic attack during the course of the day? His friends have been good and he's learned coping techniques while still being on that waiting list. So, maybe that is less of an issue, but it is still an issue. Plus, we've had problems with some of his family members in the past. If he doesn't show up to school, I need to know because I might need to phone the police. Although that has been less of an issue since #metoo and the one particularly bad incident involved his father who is now dead. But the fact that these issues have occurred. The school is meant to phone me if he doesn't show up to his lessons, but they don't. I've asked them repeatedly to do so, but it never happens. My child isn't a little angel, but he isn't one to cut class. If he isn't showing up, there's something wrong.
I think the worst part is, I loved my workplace until a few weeks ago. Like I love working in marketing and working towards where I wanted to be when I graduated. But as with all careers, there are good jobs and bad jobs. Mine was a good one. It was really good. A real positive and happy atmosphere. A great team. Yeah as with all office environments, there were some bad elements, maybe even pink flags. But they'd be identified and dealt with quickly. There weren't even any red flags, like there would be in a bad relationship. It was great. I have worked there just over a year. And although my body couldn't handle both full time work and having a life, I was happy. I was on track to have my life back after the ten years between graduation and #metoo. A bit broken and low on energy, but on track and happy. And that's what was important. I was even starting to think about whether I want to start dating again in the not-as-distant future. That's how well things were going for me.
I meant to update my website yesterday but I ended up with one of those headaches I used to get in the past, prior to #metoo. At least it didn't include vomiting, but they are intense. So, I haven't added anymore to my AI pages (those are a labour of love anyways), I didn't get any work done on my novel and although I started a portfolio piece (because I doubt companies will hire me based on hentai and drug taking dragons), I didn't complete it. But I rested and that is equally as important.
And as I said at the start of this post, there's some really good things happening in my life right now...
The most obvious good thing is my house. I'm finally going to have a decent place to live, even if it is social housing. After years of repairs that would only last a week or two, they're fixing everything! Unfortunately as the workers dig in, they find more problems. This is interfering a bit with Friday Night Story Time, but for the first time since I was a very young child, I'm going to have somewhere nice to live.
Here's where we're up to:
Day One:
Day Two:
I can't paint in there until all the work is complete. As the plasterer found more problems, they're coming back tomorrow. I hate working from home, but right now, that is so much better than going to the office. I probably won't be able to paint in there until payday. And that's great because I'm not worried about buying paint and putting things back as soon as possible now.
And as the solution to the problem of having stuff piled up in every other room in my two up, two down can't occur for a few weeks yet, I'm not upset that there is stuff everywhere. Even disordered people should be able to see that there isn't much I can do about the stuff right now, so if they decide to make an appearance, they can't lie into me about that (these people almost always show up when things are going badly for me, it is like they feed on negativity and making things worse than they already are and creating chaos and more problems).
And my house is going to be so nice. After living here for years, me and my son can put things right. Please note, I won't be tackling the room of shame this year. I'm hoping to next.
Then, some more good news. Years ago, I "fixed" some nursery rhymes (at least in first draft format). With all the drama going on in my life until the me too movement, legal and social changes allowed me to escape, I never did anything with them (that's actually where my fairy tales come from too, although I still haven't sorted out my version of Rapunzel, which was the first one I did). A few months ago I saw a submission call that looked like the perfect place for them. I spent a few days cleaning them up and sent them in. I received the acceptance Friday night after I recorded my Story Time video. It was blind submissions as well, so I know my nursery rhymes made it in on their own merits. I'm so excited about this.
And as the solution to the problem of having stuff piled up in every other room in my two up, two down can't occur for a few weeks yet, I'm not upset that there is stuff everywhere. Even disordered people should be able to see that there isn't much I can do about the stuff right now, so if they decide to make an appearance, they can't lie into me about that (these people almost always show up when things are going badly for me, it is like they feed on negativity and making things worse than they already are and creating chaos and more problems).
And my house is going to be so nice. After living here for years, me and my son can put things right. Please note, I won't be tackling the room of shame this year. I'm hoping to next.
Then, some more good news. Years ago, I "fixed" some nursery rhymes (at least in first draft format). With all the drama going on in my life until the me too movement, legal and social changes allowed me to escape, I never did anything with them (that's actually where my fairy tales come from too, although I still haven't sorted out my version of Rapunzel, which was the first one I did). A few months ago I saw a submission call that looked like the perfect place for them. I spent a few days cleaning them up and sent them in. I received the acceptance Friday night after I recorded my Story Time video. It was blind submissions as well, so I know my nursery rhymes made it in on their own merits. I'm so excited about this.
Then Saturday saw the release of Satan's Yeast Infection as a standalone short story. It had been published in an anthology in the past. That story opened doors for me the first time around. This time around, it is already proving popular on social media. I've seen it posted about in a few groups and it is only Sunday.
Not only has Satan's Yeast Infection been kicking some arse within 24 hours of release, I've been having some kick ass book sales lately and people have even been leaving reviews. The other week, it was all about Name Dropping With Hayden and Broccoli, this past week it has been 56 Seconds, 30-50 Feral Hogs, The Dog Dies at the End and Ghetto Super Skank. Thank you so much guys. It really means a lot, especially right now when it feels like the bad times again.
I know the feelings of the bad times are the same as what I'm feeling right now with not having access to my phone, but when I can access my phone, there are messages there from my friends. I might be able to see my friends next month or in July as well. I know I can't always respond to the messages right away, but they're there. It isn't those fake friendships my ex tried to force me into at the cost of my actual friends (not really me, but the fictional version of me he created to help me connect with people, it made no sense, I already had friends and if you are struggling to connect with people you really shouldn't try to do it based on lies), but my real friends messaging me. And when I get a chance I can respond.
My story, Hack the Future, is one of the best things I've written in a long time and that'll be published in an anthology in a few months. I'm really excited about that and I managed to write it while my worklife is falling apart. It involves the AI art generators, so my character is an artist. Apart from Marcy, my characters usually aren't artists. They're usually musicians, successful or otherwise (except Kord who is the biggest wannabe in the universe). When all of this clears up and I'm living in the solution, I will learn about the music AI so my characters can go back to their usual occupation. I know I don't typically write from life, but my doctors have encouraged me to try it sometimes to relieve the stress and anxiety so there probably will be more AI stories in the future.
And I'm sure you don't care about this, but my sheets are currently in the wash. Clean sheets being one of my favourite things ever. It might be too difficult to get the floors mopped right now, but at least there will be clean sheets. And I haven't made it into Home Bargains to be seasonal scents for the cleaning products yet, but I ran out of bathroom cleaner. I have my favourite bathroom cleaner ever in a massive bottle because that's what ASDA had in stock. My bathroom is going to smell like Flash Bathroom for the first time in months.
Even if it is just the little things, although a lot of huge things this week, that are good, I'm grateful for them. The feelings are the same as before, but the situation isn't as bad because my entire life isn't collapsing and there's an awful lot of good happening at the same time.
I'm going to go use that bathroom cleaner and get some lunch. Maybe cuddle my cats. I might try to work on a story or my portfolio piece (or hentai, I'm going somewhere with the hentai, it just isn't appropriate for my portfolio).
Not only has Satan's Yeast Infection been kicking some arse within 24 hours of release, I've been having some kick ass book sales lately and people have even been leaving reviews. The other week, it was all about Name Dropping With Hayden and Broccoli, this past week it has been 56 Seconds, 30-50 Feral Hogs, The Dog Dies at the End and Ghetto Super Skank. Thank you so much guys. It really means a lot, especially right now when it feels like the bad times again.
I know the feelings of the bad times are the same as what I'm feeling right now with not having access to my phone, but when I can access my phone, there are messages there from my friends. I might be able to see my friends next month or in July as well. I know I can't always respond to the messages right away, but they're there. It isn't those fake friendships my ex tried to force me into at the cost of my actual friends (not really me, but the fictional version of me he created to help me connect with people, it made no sense, I already had friends and if you are struggling to connect with people you really shouldn't try to do it based on lies), but my real friends messaging me. And when I get a chance I can respond.
My story, Hack the Future, is one of the best things I've written in a long time and that'll be published in an anthology in a few months. I'm really excited about that and I managed to write it while my worklife is falling apart. It involves the AI art generators, so my character is an artist. Apart from Marcy, my characters usually aren't artists. They're usually musicians, successful or otherwise (except Kord who is the biggest wannabe in the universe). When all of this clears up and I'm living in the solution, I will learn about the music AI so my characters can go back to their usual occupation. I know I don't typically write from life, but my doctors have encouraged me to try it sometimes to relieve the stress and anxiety so there probably will be more AI stories in the future.
And I'm sure you don't care about this, but my sheets are currently in the wash. Clean sheets being one of my favourite things ever. It might be too difficult to get the floors mopped right now, but at least there will be clean sheets. And I haven't made it into Home Bargains to be seasonal scents for the cleaning products yet, but I ran out of bathroom cleaner. I have my favourite bathroom cleaner ever in a massive bottle because that's what ASDA had in stock. My bathroom is going to smell like Flash Bathroom for the first time in months.
Even if it is just the little things, although a lot of huge things this week, that are good, I'm grateful for them. The feelings are the same as before, but the situation isn't as bad because my entire life isn't collapsing and there's an awful lot of good happening at the same time.
I'm going to go use that bathroom cleaner and get some lunch. Maybe cuddle my cats. I might try to work on a story or my portfolio piece (or hentai, I'm going somewhere with the hentai, it just isn't appropriate for my portfolio).
Thanks for everything, whether it is book sales, posting on social media about my books, leaving a review, letting my friends message me. I don't feel as alone as I did in the past when I was drowning beneath problems and toxicity and more problems being dumped on me daily.
Hopefully I'll be back to my happy, cheerful, if tired self very soon.
Hopefully I'll be back to my happy, cheerful, if tired self very soon.