So, about six months ago I finally snapped at the Inland Revenue and called them something along the lines of incompetent cunts. They've been messing me around since 2009, when I was sick. This last time they claimed I owed them a bunch of money, which I knew I didn't, hence the snapping at them. I'm also on the wrong tax code (hopefully that is sorted now). 

I guess my rude email triggered an audit of all my information with them. And I had an apologetic phone call on Monday. This was from the Tax Credits office. The woman gave me the number to self-assessment and the tax office because it isn't just one thing that is messed up, it is all of them. 

Payment of money they owed to me arrived on Thursday (or at least some, due to the stress costing work, Inland Revenue have been mentioned in that giant fucking dossier of shit that has cost me work, I wouldn't be surprised if they are still holding money from previous tax years and all of that will be uncovered when I go to sort out that particular problem). I used it to purchased a refurbished MacBook Air (a 2017 model, I'm moving up in the world - please note, that is British sarcasm). I had to take a day off because my laptop that wasn't meant to be here until today arrived yesterday (I was at work on Thursday when the notification arrived and swore and everyone knew of my computer problems because I've been going to work with a mild but miserable non-COVID cold all week because I had no means to work at home). 

Once the new laptop arrived, I used the time to call the tax office about my tax code. I've been trying to update this since May online. First call I was on hold for 50 minutes plus before it cut off. Second one was 5 minutes before it cut off. Finally, after 45 minutes on hold, the call went through. They try giving me the lecture about doing it online, which i've been trying to do. Turns out, they had me down as being on Job Seekers Allowance despite filling in self-assessment returns every single effing year for years now and having Working Tax Credits (which you don't get without working or earning above a certain amount self-employed, Job Seekers Allowance is for when you are unemployed but employable). They even asked me if I was sure I wasn't on any Department of Work and Pensions benefits (I'm sure, I'm very sure as it says in my goddamn self-assessment forms every single fucking year). 

I had called them in the weeks before I started as a full time employee to check everything was right. Way back when I was trying to set up my business for the third time (about 2014) I had similar problems with the Tax Credits office claiming I owed them money but that was before legal changes (and now I'm wondering how much pointless stress I was put through in addition to the asshats around me and how much money they took off me when I didn't owe them anything). They fucking said everything was fine. Clearly it wasn't. 

Since May (when I filed my self-assessment) I've been trying to claim back taxes they owe me. This is meant to be done online. It obviously hasn't let me because if it did, I would have my money now. When my tax code was hopefully changed and they removed Job Seekers Allowance from my account, they transferred me to self-assessment who couldn't tell me what went wrong, but I should have that money before the end of November. 

How badly can you fuck up? This has really messed with my life over the past 13 years. So in addition to all the personal problems I've had with the people around me not letting me work, Inland Revenue have been making things worse and causing more stress and poverty, and of course, because the people around me weren't letting me look after myself, I couldn't even try to sort any of this out (although I did try to the best of my abilities at the time, bare in mind, you can't think straight with constant stress, in fact, I still have no short term memory and I'm unlikely to recover that, my diagnosis is of the permanent variety - hence the diaries and planners and calendars and post it notes). 

Hopefully, everything will be sorted out by the end of November. However, that does leave things pretty hopeless this month. Monday's pay will be taxed on the old code and I'm not sure of how much my tax credit entitlement is. If anyone wants to buy me a Ko-Fi, the next three weeks are the weeks in which to do it (provided everything is sorted now, if it isn't, I'm going to be reduced to living off handouts for god knows how long).

Which does bring me to my next point, I will not be cancelling my salon appointment. After all this stress, I need it. Once all my money is in my account, I will book in for a much needed massage. I know there are memes that circulate about selfcare being scary and sitting with yourself, I don't often talk about those things, because you can't physically see them, but sometimes it isn't scary and rather enjoyable. Self care is about being the best possible you and being comfortable in being that person (and for me, that means nice nails and my hair being as nice as possible for someone with my rather difficult hair texture). Only then can you shine and help others in your own special way. And sometimes, that is a salon appointment. 

I keep telling myself I lived through the recession with a baby and a baby-daddy that stole all my money and worked up a ton of debt in my name. I can live through the next few weeks with some careful budgeting (even if I am still going to the salon next week). 

That's my old MacBook, it was the best computer. It did so much for me. The people who donated to that facebook fundraiser got so much more than their money's worth. I was able to start to get my life back, even if I can't get my ten years back. 

​And there's Jerk Face "helping" the file transfer with the new laptop. 

And on that thought, I have to go clean the house. It is a dusting day, but I should have time later to work on those Christmas stories. I only lost one week of work, so everything is back on. I should call people incompetent cunts more often. 

PS. The Inland Revenue can audit you any time they want without you knowing. It is not illegal for them to do so. In fact, the Tax Credit office can legally spy on you as can the DWP, so if you say you are single, you better fucking be single. It is always best to obey the laws, even annoying tax laws and benefit laws. In my case, it has paid off (hopefully, due to their incompetence, I don't know how much faith I have in the rest of my money showing up). 

Just thought I would upload some of the things I've done on my MacBook. I can't upload everything. A) that would take too long and B) not every file is converted. 

And yesterday when I posted about delays and cancellations, I forget to mention my cut-ups project. That is still on. My cut-ups are by hand anyways. However, I won't be able to digitalise anything or do completely digital versions of anything, so they'll be available later on next year. When I say completely digital, it is the art that will be digital, not the words. Any sound to go with them will be after that.  

If you wish to purchase me a refurbished MacBook, here's my wish list. 
If you wish to help me out, you can buy me a Ko-Fi.

Once I get these uploaded, I do have Christmas stories to write (or finish) and my house is filled with teenagers because it is raining. Unfortunately, none of my digital practice art, like my mermaids and cats, are saved as JPEGs. It might kill my laptop converting them. I'll have to upload them once I'm on a new MacBook. If you followed me on social media during the lockdowns, you would have seen my mermaids. I don't think I ever posted the cats. 

Stef and Tucker Book One was the first book cover I did. I spent every morning I was freelancing during the pandemic practicing on my drawing tablet. I didn't have a drawing tablet while I was at university so that was a new skill. I'm still learning things about it. Unfortunately some of my early digital art isn't saved as a file I can upload to weebly. 

Ghetto Superskank probably has the worst book cover I have ever made. I know some people like it, but I don't. As I intend on being back on a Mac by Christmas and have about 10 days off from work, I will hopefully make a new one then. 

I released the first Sex God in May and I think I was just too tired. I had only started working full time in March. And my body still hates it. 

I had big plans for the covers for Stef and Tucker Four and Name Dropping With Hayden. Unfortunately, I was having tech problems. The covers for Stef and Tucker were free-hand up until Stef and Tucker 5, when I didn't know how to make a cover for it. 

Stef and Tucker Three is my best cover. I think with the two above I was trying to recreate that, but I was having difficulties with my tablet and GIMP (for all you creeps and weirdos reading this, GIMP is open-source image manipulation software, although I never ran Open Office on this computer, I do hope to one day use only open source software). 

I feel like the train service (please note, I support the strikes, the last time I rode a train was probably when I last went to Bristol a few years ago and oddly, that was not delayed unlike when I used to get the train to a day job. If you saw my last post, you'll know my MacBook is on its last bit of life and I am really sad about this. If you would like to purchase for me a refurbished MacBook, here's my wishlist. 

Obviously, without an appropriate computer, I am going to have some delays in releasing some things and will be cancelling some altogether. 
Writing: 
October: 

• Next week's release of 30-50 Feral Hogs versus the Big Bad Unicorn is still on. 

November:

• No releases were planned. 

December:

• I have signed up for three Christmas stories this year, including Lex Christmas Calendar and A Very Bizarro Christmas and Meghan's House of Books. All three are still happening. You can see the videos of Lex's Christmas Calendar and A Very Bizarro Christmas from 2021 below. 
• I was going to release the two stories I wrote for last year's Lex's Christmas Calendar and A Very Bizarro Christmas as a godless exclusive e-book, like I did earlier this year for the godless one year anniversary. That is unlikely to happen. I can't do the cover and formatting without a Mac. 

January:

•  I was toying with a January release date for 56 Seconds. That will now be pushed back either to April, May, August or September. (I don't release in the summer anymore unless it is a publisher's doing.)

February: 

• No releases planned (and not a good release month for me anyways). 

March:

• This will be godless's second birthday. I will be releasing 50 Shades of Gnome for it. The story is written and edited. If the internet can buy me a new Macbook, I can be back on a decent computer within the next few weeks. If I have to buy one, I'm hoping to have it before Christmas. That leaves plenty of time for formatting and a book cover. 

Releases beyond March: 

• This would be Snow White. I am in two minds about self-publishing this one. I am going to tone down the bizarro and make it more transgressive. And then review my options. It was intended to be self-published like with The Midnight Pumpkin Fucker and The Snow Queen. However, I am struggling to cope with the behaviour of some of the horror community (as I posted about earlier, no need to do it again). 
• That's Where All the Magic Is/We Gave the World Synthpop Dreams/The Daisies That Open at Midnight. It is my intention to combine them and pitch to an agent, although I did toy with the idea of self-publishing, the intention was always publisher with these ones. Self-publishing was really only meant for some of my bizarro and extreme horror stuff plus re-issues. 
• Chameleon: This one is transgressive fiction anyways, so not on my self-publishing list. Same with the as of yet untitled experimental social media thing I've been working on. 
• Remaining Era Two stories: undecided. 
• Stef and Tucker: After Snow White, I planned a genre fiction break anyways. 
• Ketamine Addicted Pandas 2: see Stef and Tucker. 

Art:

• I can draw. I have my Prismacolor pencils. I cannot post to Redbubble until I sort out a new MacBook. 
• There will be no digital art until I am on a new Macbook. 
• I do have some digital posters planned for Snow White. If I do go the publisher route with it, I will still be doing the posters. I just won't use them for Snow White. They'll look great in my print media portfolio. 
• The Midnight Pumpkin Fucker Halloween Ball social media ad. I'm still getting to grips with social media ads. I will eventually put this together. 

Sound:

• I still haven't found away to fit circuit bending into my new schedule. I still intend a sound installation release for 56 Seconds. This will probably be after I've disappeared. 

Please see below for last year's Christmas videos...

Above is my story The Face of God as read by Simon Bestwick. 

Me reading Simon Bestwick's story And All the Souls in Hell Shall Sing above. And below is me reading The Long List by Matthew V Brockmeyer. I read two because someone had to pull out. As mentioned above, I still intend on doing this. Last year I read off my computer and recorded on my phone. I can read off my son's computer and record off my phone just as well as I did last year. In fact, the recording should be better because I have a new phone. Hopefully I haven't mixed up any of these stories. 

And finally we come to A Very Bizarro Christmas Ghost Story. I read my story Glass. I intend on writing another one for this year instead of picking a story by someone else. And as with Lex's Christmas Calendar, I can read from my son's computer and record on my phone. 

 As you can see from the image, that's me transferring files to my external harddrive. My computer is on its last legs (or battery). I knew this day was coming. I just didn't want it to. 

This computer is very special to me. A few years ago, I sent up a facebook fundraiser to purchase a MacBook. And the Facebook fundraiser provided not just a refurbished MacBook, but the one I wanted to purchase when I graduated university. 

For those that don't know, when I graduated from university, my mother wouldn't let me leave my bedroom beyond having a boyfriend (in those situations, you literally only attract the worst of the worst). But I had a plan to freelance and work in secret until I had enough money saved to move out (probably in the middle of the night). Unfortunately, my tooth broke (really terrible NHS dentistry, my mother would force me to see a dentist that drilled into healthy teeth before I became an adult, and when I did, my tooth broke). I had to go to the USA to have it repaired. I am still weary of dentists, but no longer need to take diazepam to go to an appointment (not just for the appointment but for the weeks leading up to it). 

As I had just graduated, I had thought the American side of my family would finally treat with respect and let me work and dress how I wanted and be a human being (in the USA, children are treated like property, yes, I am aware of how abusive that is). I had proof of what I was doing. But that either wasn't enough, or controlling people don't like letting go. There were even arguments about the operating system I use. OSX being industry-standard. But American boomers and American boomer men apparently know better despite their complete lack of experience or education in the field in which I fucking work. And that's how I started to develop PTSD. I was prevented from working and everything little thing I did or wanted to do, right down to the stuff that makes me, me was an argument. Everything. I saw my life taken away in that trip. It felt like my death warrant had been signed. 

I was hoping when I returned home, I'd be able to recover and do what I could on my old G3. But, alas, my mother when someone was weak (despite improvements in our relationship prior to having to go to the USA) attacked and I wasn't allowed to do anything at all (except have a man to 'look after me'). And I was, once again, the dumping ground for her problems and my sister's problems and everyone else's fucking problems.

Recovery never happened. And with the way the UK was set up, right until Theresa May changed the law along with the #metoo movement, people who experienced bad things HAPPENING to them (emphasis on the happening, this was not something I did to myself, it is something that happened to me) were not allowed to take steps to change their lot in life (I still did so, in secret at 5AM). Oh, and during that time, I was somehow meant to be responsible for the behaviour of my son's father. Just like I was expected to be responsible for my mother's behaviour. The son's father was diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder. And my mother likely had c-PTSD. These basically amount to the same thing for the people around them. And both of them had narcissistic traits. Plus, people over here are very mean to those in poverty and will go out of their way to dump on them. 

Then the same shit, but different faces when I moved to Liverpool. As I was meant to take responsibility for my son's father, despite not being with him, his first batch of unstable behaviour brought me to the attention of my son's primary school. They made everything worse. In addition to that, at the time, I was still expected to have a boyfriend and couldn't phone the police on creeps without things being made worse and my life being further turned upside down further (I did not want to lose what little I could do to improve my life). As mentioned earlier, you don't attract decent people who treat others with any level of respect in that sort of situation. So, he gave me a bunch of real practical problems I didn't have before which in turn, made my own PTSD worse (and him, or him and his family for round one and him and his so-called friend for round two, decided that they knew more about my situation and frame of mind than me and my doctors, so I wasn't allowed to engage with behaviours that would have helped my mental health, such as working towards my goals and staying away from people I found toxic and destructive). 

Well, ten years after graduating, the #metoo movement occurred. And the UK already had laws that were a step in the right direction in place. So, I was free. Finally. I went through Hell to get that degree so I could work and have the life I desired. 

But after ten years of this shit (same cycles, different faces and I had no control over my own life, minus waking up at 5AM to take steps in the hour and a half before I had to wake my son up to put my life where I wanted it), I was free but I had nothing except debt and little chance of recovery in any sense (mentally, physically and financially). It took three months to write like how I used to before that ten years of pointlessness and extra abuse (bare in mind, I went to university so I could get away from people like that in the future, because my life up to and including university was like that). And then I wrote a second book before the creeps came along and thought 'ooo single woman and a broken one at that' we're going to bother and harass her. But things were different. Society changed. The law changed. These creeps and their enablers (including people who turn a blindeye) can go get fucked. So the stress of the creeps prevented me from finishing anything else until I started posting daily selfies on my social media (creeps, much like the people from my past, do not like a woman that has confidence in their appearance). And I was able to take steps to recover my mental health and look after myself (even if I still have symptoms, they're managed now, that wasn't allowed in the past). 

I managed to get back on track, but to reach my goals, I needed a Mac. Enter a facebook fundraiser and the kindness of the Internet purchased this one. 

This poor laptop has gone through so much. In the ten years, I completely lost my art and graphic design skills as well as my soundart skills and what few filming and editing skills I had but I still had my writing skills (those were the least likely to be noticed by those around me). So, while I was working on regaining my lost art skills, I started freelancing in various types of writing until something clicked (my memory is fucked after those ten years). But I have some vague memories of wanting to work in advertising and marketing and picking a degree that wasn't through a business school but would lead to that sort of career. (I do actually have a few business qualifications, but I don't know what level, with my memory being screwed, I know where the certificates are but would need to dig them out to know what level.) 

Unfortunately, one of my relatives snapped at me in the public forum that is facebook and I lost the bulk of my freelance clients. Bare in mind, I went through absolute Hell to have a career and live my life. At least I had enough money saved to give my son Christmas that year. But I stupidly thought I'd be able to get more work. By this point, I knew this wonderful laptop that had given me work and helped me start to get my graphic design skills back and had given me my art skills (that and those Prismacolor pencils I bought with one of my early freelancing payments) was on its way out. And I had no means to get a new one. But I carried on.

Once I was nearly evicted (as I said, I wasn't getting enough work) and I explained to the housing association complete with screenshots of my relative's behaviour, they tried to convince me to let them help me. Now, part of what made my PTSD worse was "help" inflicted on me prior to the #metoo movement, which usually resulted in more abuse of every variety (not usually, it did, every single fucking time, I ended up in a worse situation with more abuse of various intensities and more debt). It took them a few tries to convince me and promised that if it was making things worse, I could back out. They must have found a very special employment support officer for me. He was amazing. He was truthful (he had never heard of content marketing before although he did find it interesting when I explain it to him). He said it would probably take at least three months before I saw any work beyond the trickle I was getting in (bare in mind, during the height of my freelancing, I may have been working 16 hour days, but I was pulling in a few hundred pounds per day, which was helping me and my son get to where I wanted us to be - new clothes, healthy food, etc. and a few treats for him, my treats were work related and my glasses, first non-NHS pair since college). The plan was to help me get some freelance clients so I could pay back the debts. And with his involvement and some kind people on facebook, I wasn't evicted. He set me up an account on Indeed and would apply for freelance work for me, but as part of this, I was able to look when I could (single mother and my son was feeling the stress of all of this too, so he needed help managing his emotions - please note, this is acceptable for children and teens who need guidance, this is why you aren't allowed to vote until you're 18, etc., so I didn't have to apply if I didn't have time - this isn't the Job Centre, because he'd do it for me). So I found a job that was local to me and thought it wouldn't hurt to apply, but with my last non-self employed job being during my first year of university and my reputation ruined locally by my ex (he created a fictional version of me), plus as demonstrated by my relative's outburst I will never be allowed to be happy and comfortable. I applied with little hope of getting the job. I didn't even tell the employment support worker until I was invited for an interview (the housing association had grants to help me not look like a train-wreck during it and one of my old hoarding clients gave me a dress). I got the job! It is graduate level but in the field in which I wished to make my career in all those years ago. 

But my job is graduate level with graduate level wages. I'm still paying the debt of nearly being evicted. 2020 is a long way in the past when you have a growing teen. I'm still in debt from the ten years prior to the #metoo movement (I did pay off some while freelancing, but worked it back up again upon losing the bulk of my clients). Plus the cost of living crisis, Brexit etc pushing the costs of everything up. 

So I'm back to not being able to afford a laptop. When I got this one, I was hoping I'd be able to afford a brand new, latest model MacBook Pro. But I basically had to start employment over again (there's been a lot of starting over when things are taken away and it breaks my body a little more each time). 

There's been a lot of tears this week. Although I was able to afford Christmas 2020 (it wasn't the best Christmas, I couldn't get my son the iPad he keeps asking for, but he had presents), I wasn't able to afford Christmas 2021. And my mind keeps returning there (or trying to, I have troubleshooting to manage the symptoms when they're threatening to take control). I felt so alone. My own family doesn't even like me enough to not take their emotional problems out on me (or not drive my mother insane, which anyone that drives someone's mother insane cannot love that person). I'm never going to be allowed that MacBook Pro. 

Then there's a bit of a toxic clique operating within indie horror right now. The main ringleader doesn't even seem to like me because I get from her, "why do you get your nails done" etc. followed by "i just wear a sweatshirt" which is the same as the people who wouldn't let me live my life prior to the #metoo movement. Because I want to. There's no point in explaining self care to these people, but I don't get why they want me as part of their clique if they don't even like me. Just like a few of my relatives (not all my family are childish dickheads) and my son's father's relatives (again, most aren't childish dickheads but the few that are ruin it) and my ex's merry band of really fucking toxic associates. I haven't been posting about my nails even though they bring me happiness on social media because of this, so I've been censoring myself for a few months now, which is taking its toll because I thought with all the changes that people who don't behave in a respectful manner and want to pull me into their destruction would leave me alone after these past four years. 

I've been saying for probably about 12 months now and thinking since my relative's outburst, that the only way I'm going to not only have the life I want but any life at all is if I disappear (then I can have the latest MacBook Pro purchased with money I earned). But, in order to do that, I need a MacBook of some variety to work and earn extra income. Plus, although my art and graphic design skills improved, they aren't where they need to be to get freelance work. I don't want to lose what skills I've regained. And I just really thought I'd have the money to buy a MacBook (not the latest) for myself at this point. 

I keep trying to focus on the positives. I was able to back up my files without my ex saying how negative I was being and demanding I do something destructive instead because he needed a temporary boost). Backing up my files because I know my laptop is breaking is being positive. It is taking action to prevent destroying my life (losing my files would do so, I'd lose all my writing, including unpublished things and stuff ready to be re-issued). Maybe social media will provide me with another MacBook. It won't be as special as this one, but it'll still be special because it'll help me continue in the direction I'm going in. If they don't, I'm still on tax credits so I will be getting that second cost of living payment which I can spend on a refurbished MacBook (I did buy my son's main Christmas present with the first one, so he's at least getting something this year, even if it is just the one thing and we have to cut back on Christmas dinner). 

Someone on facebook showed me how to mute messages. So I won't have to deal with the clique who really are like all these people from my past (and maybe after my next salon appointment, I'll be brave and post, I did post a little picture of my last manicure). So I'm not on edge about that. So that can't trigger me anymore. 

I can still get done some of what I intended on getting done. (I'll post about that next.) I'm going to be meeting other horror people in a few weeks which I'm super excited about. I have a salon appointment in a few weeks. Apart from the aforementioned toxic people, no one is trying to get me to self-destruct because they want attention, which is apparently more important than me and my son's actual needs to not destruct (as I said, I had years of dealing with people like this, it was at its worst in Liverpool). 

And I'm trying so hard, but last Christmas (which was horrible, I tried my best, but I could tell my son was really disappointed) and the toxic people are there in the shadows. Thankfully, this time around, the toxic people are only online. It isn't in person. Although these people seem to think that no one has a life outside of social media and horror. I know if the internet doesn't buy me a refurbished laptop, I'll have one before December and I keep telling this to myself. And that because after the #metoo movement, I didn't have people around me trying to force me to fight the PTSD while giving me more stress, that I can accept that I have it and can manage it with selfcare. But this is hard. This laptop means so much to me. It gave me back my life even if it can't give me back my ten years.  

And I keep trying to focus on the future, when I'm living in an undisclosed location under a different identity. I keep thinking that when the time comes, there will be a way I can remain in touch with my friends. And how I'm going to unpack the latest desktop Mac and set it up with multiple monitors in the middle of a bunch of analogue equipment. 

If you did want to buy me a refurbished MacBook I have put together this amazon wishlist. I only need one but when you buy refurbished, they go out of stock quickly. 

I'm sorry this was so long. This MacBook just really means so much to me and then with the toxic people that don't even like me, I'm on edge. At least today is house cleaning day, so I haven't missed any writing time (or art, I can't do it digitally right now, but I still have my Prismacolors). I'll put up a list of what I can realistically accomplish while I'm Mac-less. 

So there's been some book sales and art sales this week.

I don't have sharing picture of the Redbubble purchase yet but apparently the teeshirt is high quality. I'll try and share more next weekend. As I have yet to have 60 designs on Redbubble so my account doesn't get all that much notice, print on demand art sales are easy to keep track of (if I actually receive the email that something has sold, that doesn't always happen and I don't regularly check my account). Plus print on demand designs are pretty expensive and we've entered a pretty unstable economic situation. I know Britain isn't alone in this, but we have additional factors to consider like Brexit and the fact that our current prime minister is either really stupid or very intent on completely collapsing our economy (probably a bit of both - she's basically like those shallow people who have no life or interests beyond social media validation and that's the only thing people like that live for). I can't really go too much into politics or anything really deep without upsetting some childish people that I don't have the energy to deal with. 

Book sales, however, are becoming a nightmare to keep track of or work out. Some of that relates to my lack of time, some of that is amazon's authorcentral feature not working half the time. And some of that is the high number, or seemingly high number. 

From what I can see:

• Ketamine Addicted Pandas (or buy on godless) is champion for whatever week running now. Guess you guys love pandas that take ket, eat baboon brains and torch absolutely everything. And why wouldn't you? 
• Name Dropping with Hayden (or buy on godless) is kicking some arse. Remember, this one is pretty much the genre fiction version of Becoming. So, if you are disgusted by Hayden, I promise you that Kord is even worse. Plus both stories are told from the victim's point of view. 
• Broccoli (or get on godless) has entered my top sellers chart again after being absent for quite a few weeks. This one goes through cycles of being popular and not selling. It is told entirely in second person and it is probably the most disgusting thing I've ever written. It is even worse than Hayden's bodily mould. 

And for spookymonth, you lot have been wanting to help Trevor get to the Halloween Ball in The Midnight Pumpkin Fucker. If you want to prepare for my release later on in the month and find out more about the reindeer coke, you'll want to check out The Snow Queen. These are godless exclusive books. 

Thank you so much for your purchases. Thank you for including me in your #spookymonth lists and your extreme horror lists (I don't have the link for the actual list I was sent this morning, but it means a lot to me, so thank you). You guys are making such a big difference to not just my life, but my son's life. As I've posted about before, I don't have much money, I won't go into all of that right now, but...

Basically, each sale is appreciated greatly. Each time one of my books appears on your lists or a #booktoker mentions it, or anything like that, it makes the world of a difference to me and my son. So thank you again. 

Warning: This will contain spoilers for The Midnight Club. 

We haven't even seen Halloween yet and I'm thinking of Christmas. Truth be told, I've been thinking about Christmas since August. And that's because I'm a author and this year I am committed to three Christmas stories (excluding my godless Christmas story, but I'll talk about that closer to the time). 

This year, I am going for ghost stories, settling with an overall theme of "the ghost in your head". I want all three to be somewhat connected. Two of them have to be read out (one by me) so I want to go with a bit of a prose poetry thing. But we'll see how they come out (I still have one more genre fiction thing to finish before I'm back to my experimental stuff, so they might be cross-over stories). 

I had some vague ideas while finishing up my scumbags 2 story and 30-50 Feral Hogs versus the Big Bad Unicorn. A woman at work shared a nightmare with us which supplied my ghost or at least a basic description (not even ghost story can be about Marcy or Gloria). She knows a version of her ghost is going to appear in my stories. She even saw me take out my notebook and I had her describe her nightmare ghost. It is pretty horrible. 

One of the Marcy/Gloria stories (I can't remember which one as there are so many, some published, some not, some only half-written) where Gloria is on stage or backstage, so I thought one of these stories should be of a performance. But synthpop doesn't really fit in with Christmas (no, please do not send me synthpop Christmas classics, I fucking hate Christmas songs with such passion it would shock you). 

So, I had this vague idea of a performer being haunted (not like I've never used that theme before, to the Yanks reading this, that is British sarcasm). Sometimes when I'm busy, I'm actually unwinding and relaxing (because that is really important to mental well-being - I still resent having to explain that to adults, but at this stage if I don't, I'll have a bunch of people I don't know trying to "figure me out" with intrusive messages because apparently taking time to be healthy and functional isn't acceptable and all life is lived through social media). As I rather enjoyed Haunting of Hill House, Haunting of Bly Manner and especially loved Midnight Mass, I thought I would check out The Midnight Club. 

For those that don't know, I have PTSD and jump scares will trigger it (not in the way you are thinking, it is a physical reaction that is so painful, it is what I imagine Hell to feel like). So with something like The Midnight Club, I have to take it slow and watch with the lights on. And that is okay because I hate binge watching TV unless I'm recovering from having my 5G booster (COVID vaccines for those of you that don't understand sarcasm and lack a sense of humour). I like to spend time enjoying whatever it is that I'm watching so I'm only about halfway through. 

*Spoilers* 
It came up to the scene of Anya's story with the two Danas. While one Dana is injecting heroin, other Dana is auditioning for Swan Lake. My mind is still very much in Snow White (the last genre fiction I have to finish) and that has a 90s theme and probably more heroin than cocaine despite the portal and the Snow Queen's heart-connection to that particular prime minister in his piss-stained y-fronts playing air guitar in front of his magic mirror.

Plus, I do ballet. I appreciate classical ballet and can dance it but I prefer contemporary - both in terms of a dancer and a viewer. Swan Lake is my favourite of the classical ballets if you care. 

My only brushes with classical ballet these days involve the basic barre work and stretching. But I connected with the scene (I couldn't find it on youtube). And my only brushes with anything in the heroin family these days involve refusing a morphine prescription (even if I'm in agony, I get to live my life now, I can't function on morphine so I'll be putting off the strong painkillers for as long as I can). 

I thought my performer should be a ballerina. And as it is Christmas and I've been saying for years that I'm going to be the fattest and oldest Sugarplum Fairy this world has ever seen (despite the ballet, belly dancing and walking to work, I am still obese, spare me your body confidence lectures, I'm an adult and don't fucking care about body confidence - it must be nice to have the luxury to sit around and create problems, but I don't and I would rather loose the weight so I can be healthy for longer and maybe in less pain - please note, that doesn't apply to people who really aren't secure in themselves and don't project it onto the rest of us who really don't have the time or mind space to be dealing with it). 

I've never actually tried doing the Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy. I'm not all that fond of the Nutcracker. But I thought for the sake of my story, I should learn the steps. So I did.

I still can't remember the name of that step that if you slow it down you look like a dog marking its territory (I've always called it the dog pissing step, seriously, don't teach eight year olds this particular dance step, they aren't mature enough lol). I don't have much space in my room of shame so I couldn't even lift my leg up for the turn anyways, but that step always brings me much amusement. And I had to do all the steps in place. Because of the layout of my dining room, I couldn't get my knee up for the dog pissing step (which is a turning step) but I could get my leg all the way out (more stationary).

It has been such a long time since my ballet classes though that I can't remember the names of so many steps and I never knew how to spell them (damn French), so I'm still going to have to look up the steps. 

Nor do I know how copyright works with dance steps so I'm going to have to put my own variation into the story, but that's okay. And saying, "if you do this turn it looks like a dog pissing" won't work with my story. Maybe I can use that description if I decide to return to genre fiction in the future (I'm still finishing some genre fiction things, as mentioned). It would be nice to finish Stef and Tucker and Ketamine Addicted Pandas but I don't have time to go into the drama and boundary crossing from a small selection of people involved in genre fiction right now. It is similar to before but less creeps this time around. 

I hope you enjoyed reading how the writing process can sometimes work. Usually, I don't have experience with the stuff I write (like seriously, I cannot grow a dick and not to kink-shame anyone but I am really fucking prude) but sometimes I do (there's scenes in Broccoli where I'm describing something as if it is being knitted). When I do take influence from my own life, it is usually when I'm describing something horrible, like in the case of Broccoli and don't want to use a bunch of gore descriptions. So, writing this ballet scene will be interesting, because it is what the character is physically doing and I don't think I've ever used something I can physically do before. Maybe I should try a horseback riding or football (soccer) story sometime (in addition to dance, I did both of these for years in my youth)?

And I do take influence from the outside world. Often times, TV. 

​PS. I will eventually get a video of me dancing. There just isn't space in my room of shame to set up a video right now. 

Thank you kind people for buying books while I've been so busy. This year is worst than most because of working full time (in the actual job I went to university to be able to get, no point in going to uni if I wasn't going to be independent and able to support myself afterwards) and guiding my son through his GCSE options.

Ten additional years of not being allowed to live my life combined with some relatives from a country that believes children are property and \ these same relatives have the emotional intelligence level of toddlers (in their heads I'm still 14 and they will never get past that, I don't have the time right now to detail just how abusive it is treating children like property) following that means I'm in a ton of debt. Plus I'm struggling to cope with the cost of living crisis. And I only have a graduate level role with graduate level wages this many years after I graduated. The payments I get from book and art sales makes a world of difference towards my life and my son's life. 

Ketamine Addicted Pandas was the clear sales winner for September. Although Ketamine Addicted Pandas is still going strong, there's a new entry for October with Name Dropping with Hayden. These are just my two best selling books right now. I know there's been other sales - even a paperback of Sparky (because I didn't self publish that one and amazon are cunts, I can't see when it sells on kindle) and those are greatly appreciated too but I don't have the time required to analysis everything right now. 

Also, I will be having a release on the 26th titled 30-50 Feral Hogs v. the Big Bad Unicorn, which I will post about in a few minutes over on Coming Soon. I put up the landing page the weekend after release. 

I still have a ton of stuff to do. I don't really have the time to detail it right now and to be honest, I would only detail it because I figured if people saw I was busy, they would leave me alone to get on with it and maybe I'd get a few down minutes in there to be alone with my thoughts, but that never happened. I will give you a little hint that I'm now making notes for the social media story to end all social media stories. I know I have written about social media before, but that was from the point of view of someone who actually wanted to be involved with the cliques. As I said before, I don't have the time to go into this story and I still have a lot of things to do before I get to it. 

But thank you for the book sales. And if you have been leaving me alone to get on with things, thank you for that too. And no, I'm not lonely or suffering with whatever armchair diagnosis you wish to give me.