Although my life isn't exactly where I want it, it is definitely on the right track. I won't go into what the ten years before 2018 were like (I've done that so many times before and I'll only be repeating myself again when the anniversary of handing in my final degree assignment comes up in about six weeks) or my entire life up to handing in my degree assignment (really, those ten years were totally 100 per cent pointless as it was all stuff I had been through before). Life changed for me in late December 2017, just after the #metoo movement. I was finally able to tell people to fuck off and I told them. Some creeps thought six months single was long enough and that I should voluntarily step back into that cycle. So I told them to fuck off and phoned the police. But that's not what this post is about. This is a post to thank everyone who has helped me get to where I am today.
Yesterday was payday. I haven't sorted out all of my bills yet (some are easier than others) but I have groceries. Tomorrow I will try to sort out the rent and me and my son are going to town. We can't afford something nice to eat after getting much needed school shoes for him and trainers for me (Converse just aren't suitable for walking a long distance every day, no, even if I had a car, I would not drive it, have you seen rush hour!?!) and hopefully new phones but we will be getting McDonald's (his choice, I want Taco Bell) and maybe we'll bring Cinnabon home. My income is hopefully high enough (cost of living increase and those effing gas and electric prices) but I did not work a full month this month so things are still really tight (and I don't plan on buying shoes and phones every month, there's an offer on the phone my son wants that runs out in a few days and mine is free with contract other wise I would wait another month). It'll take a few months to work out a proper budget once what needs to be sorted out NOW is sorted. And then I will pay off the rest of my debt as fast as I can before opening a savings account (there's something about a work pension, although I will probably open a separate one at some point in the future). I also have to sort out a major mess that built up in those ten years (it came to light in 2014/15, but the idiots around me combined with the moronic "help" wouldn't let me sort it then and now it is a very expensive problem, luckily I have kept documentation and when I'm filing about some drama or someone taking their NPD/BPD/C-PTSD, it is always one of those three, out on me, it involves that one very expensive problem).
But I have a stable job and I don't think I would be here right now without the help I've received since late December 2017/early January 2018. Although a full time job was never part of the plan, it just sorta happened (I hadn't really considered it until I saw one that I wanted to apply for, at the time I was setting out my life plan freelancing in secret while building up a business -also in secret, was my only option). My son is old enough now for me to be working in the field in which I'm qualified to work in anyways and my mother passed away ten years ago this year (the life plan was thought of two years before I had my son, and when my mother was alive, freelancing in secret was to cater for her mental health symptoms as I wasn't allowed to leave my bedroom other than to have a boyfriend, which I can assure you really sucked and people wonder why I refuse to date, why yes, I am still completely repulsed by the very idea).
Even before my MacBook fundraiser I was getting random Paypal surprises. And those got me out of some very tight spots. This reduced my stress, allowing me to write 56 Seconds (and the creeps allowed me up until I finished Becoming before they started creeping). It also allowed my son to see that people aren't bad after a lifetime of drama and people not letting me work/kicking off drama for no reason at all/etc.
Without the MacBook I would have never be able to freelance. I had tried freelancing before when my last Windows laptop (it was a cheap ebook thing that lasted long past it should have) was new and I was working a day job that had me in tears daily but someone's incessant need for attention and drama. I wouldn't have been able to start self-publishing either. And I definitely would not be selling prints of my art. Book sales, especially on Godless have helped me escape some tight spots this past year. Art sales helped with Christmas (I still don't have enough art on Redbubble to really see much income from it).
Without freelancing and possibly my published books, I would not have gotten the job. It doesn't matter how great my degree is, I'm pushing 40 and lost so many years of my life that I needed experience that I would not have gotten if it weren't for the help and support over these past four years.
Then when I accepted the job offer, because up to this point (or payday) life has been very hand-to-mouth for me so I knew I would have to rely on the kindness of others to see me through that first month (and possibly the second because I didn't know if I would be paid or if it would be withheld for the first month), I had to ask for money. This covered not just groceries but clothing for work. None of my clothes fit.
I am still working out a schedule but a regular steady job offers more of a work/life balance than freelancing ever did. Plus there's already been a great reduction in my stress levels knowing that once I get all the direct debits sorted out that my bills will be paid and I won't be worrying about whether I have any work coming in to cover something. No more invoicing or chasing up payments (except royalties for books with publishers, guess you can't win them all). My son's anxiety has decreased as well. Even he knows that nothing in life is free. He's also seen that education is not pointless and is talking positively of the future (his future) for the first time ever (seriously if someone's mother has a degree and wants to work in the field in which she is qualified to work in, let her and especially don't come up with other things she could be doing or force her into low skill/low paid work in front of her child).
I like my new colleagues and the office atmosphere seems really pleasant. And there's pizza if we hit our monthly target. I wish someone warned me about how much pizza. So far, I'm doing okay resisting the office snacks. I'm not walking all that way to not shed the weight I need to shed to hopefully get my physical health symptoms under some sort of control (a proper diagnosis will probably help too, one hospital appointment out of two for this lot done). And hopefully sometime over the summer I will be used to my schedule, have my summer release lineup sorted and can join them for a few hours on the evening out.
It has gone 10PM (or 2200 for us civilised people who don't like the AM/PM thing) on a Friday. This post is probably littered with typos and I think my laundry has stopped. But thank you so much. To you, it may not have been much, but to me, it was my life. And all the actual help made the difference.
Yesterday was payday. I haven't sorted out all of my bills yet (some are easier than others) but I have groceries. Tomorrow I will try to sort out the rent and me and my son are going to town. We can't afford something nice to eat after getting much needed school shoes for him and trainers for me (Converse just aren't suitable for walking a long distance every day, no, even if I had a car, I would not drive it, have you seen rush hour!?!) and hopefully new phones but we will be getting McDonald's (his choice, I want Taco Bell) and maybe we'll bring Cinnabon home. My income is hopefully high enough (cost of living increase and those effing gas and electric prices) but I did not work a full month this month so things are still really tight (and I don't plan on buying shoes and phones every month, there's an offer on the phone my son wants that runs out in a few days and mine is free with contract other wise I would wait another month). It'll take a few months to work out a proper budget once what needs to be sorted out NOW is sorted. And then I will pay off the rest of my debt as fast as I can before opening a savings account (there's something about a work pension, although I will probably open a separate one at some point in the future). I also have to sort out a major mess that built up in those ten years (it came to light in 2014/15, but the idiots around me combined with the moronic "help" wouldn't let me sort it then and now it is a very expensive problem, luckily I have kept documentation and when I'm filing about some drama or someone taking their NPD/BPD/C-PTSD, it is always one of those three, out on me, it involves that one very expensive problem).
But I have a stable job and I don't think I would be here right now without the help I've received since late December 2017/early January 2018. Although a full time job was never part of the plan, it just sorta happened (I hadn't really considered it until I saw one that I wanted to apply for, at the time I was setting out my life plan freelancing in secret while building up a business -also in secret, was my only option). My son is old enough now for me to be working in the field in which I'm qualified to work in anyways and my mother passed away ten years ago this year (the life plan was thought of two years before I had my son, and when my mother was alive, freelancing in secret was to cater for her mental health symptoms as I wasn't allowed to leave my bedroom other than to have a boyfriend, which I can assure you really sucked and people wonder why I refuse to date, why yes, I am still completely repulsed by the very idea).
Even before my MacBook fundraiser I was getting random Paypal surprises. And those got me out of some very tight spots. This reduced my stress, allowing me to write 56 Seconds (and the creeps allowed me up until I finished Becoming before they started creeping). It also allowed my son to see that people aren't bad after a lifetime of drama and people not letting me work/kicking off drama for no reason at all/etc.
Without the MacBook I would have never be able to freelance. I had tried freelancing before when my last Windows laptop (it was a cheap ebook thing that lasted long past it should have) was new and I was working a day job that had me in tears daily but someone's incessant need for attention and drama. I wouldn't have been able to start self-publishing either. And I definitely would not be selling prints of my art. Book sales, especially on Godless have helped me escape some tight spots this past year. Art sales helped with Christmas (I still don't have enough art on Redbubble to really see much income from it).
Without freelancing and possibly my published books, I would not have gotten the job. It doesn't matter how great my degree is, I'm pushing 40 and lost so many years of my life that I needed experience that I would not have gotten if it weren't for the help and support over these past four years.
Then when I accepted the job offer, because up to this point (or payday) life has been very hand-to-mouth for me so I knew I would have to rely on the kindness of others to see me through that first month (and possibly the second because I didn't know if I would be paid or if it would be withheld for the first month), I had to ask for money. This covered not just groceries but clothing for work. None of my clothes fit.
I am still working out a schedule but a regular steady job offers more of a work/life balance than freelancing ever did. Plus there's already been a great reduction in my stress levels knowing that once I get all the direct debits sorted out that my bills will be paid and I won't be worrying about whether I have any work coming in to cover something. No more invoicing or chasing up payments (except royalties for books with publishers, guess you can't win them all). My son's anxiety has decreased as well. Even he knows that nothing in life is free. He's also seen that education is not pointless and is talking positively of the future (his future) for the first time ever (seriously if someone's mother has a degree and wants to work in the field in which she is qualified to work in, let her and especially don't come up with other things she could be doing or force her into low skill/low paid work in front of her child).
I like my new colleagues and the office atmosphere seems really pleasant. And there's pizza if we hit our monthly target. I wish someone warned me about how much pizza. So far, I'm doing okay resisting the office snacks. I'm not walking all that way to not shed the weight I need to shed to hopefully get my physical health symptoms under some sort of control (a proper diagnosis will probably help too, one hospital appointment out of two for this lot done). And hopefully sometime over the summer I will be used to my schedule, have my summer release lineup sorted and can join them for a few hours on the evening out.
It has gone 10PM (or 2200 for us civilised people who don't like the AM/PM thing) on a Friday. This post is probably littered with typos and I think my laundry has stopped. But thank you so much. To you, it may not have been much, but to me, it was my life. And all the actual help made the difference.
I probably will get the lower part of the tattoo finished sometime this autumn before I start driving lessons (okay I'm getting a Theremin or Theremini before I get the driving lessons) . I would get the rest but people are really stupid and can't comprehend that the Soviet Union dissolved and Russia is a capitalist country (the top part is meant to be Laika cartoon style with either a Soviet capsule or the Soviet flag, I won't be having the middle done until both the top and bottom are finished). I've included it here because I'm getting the tattoo finished because I want to have it finished. It is no longer a necessity. Having tattoos became a necessity when "help" such as from my child's primary school kept trying to erase my identity and everyone around me was so dismissive of who I am and what I want out of life. My father would insult my makeup constantly or make snide remarks (even into my 20s). Makeup washes off. Tattoos are forever. And that makeup story is symbolic of my life up until late December 2017/early January 2018.