When I maintained my old blog I used to post about astrology as this is the random part of my website, I post what I want here.
I honestly was hoping that with Mars moving into Aries I'd get an energy boost. Apparently not. Mercury turns direct on Friday (I think), maybe that'll help. If you're wondering why I'm into astrology when I was only into tarot in the before, I'll tell you (and you can read even if you don't want to know, because why not?).
Way back in late December 2017/early January 2018, my life changed. This was just after the #metoo movement so I was able to finally say what I've wanted to say to people and tell them they could go fuck themselves and I'm not a goddamn social worker. It was great. I was finally able to put my life where I wanted to put it. However, the ten years of not being allowed to work, what I did work on getting sabotaged, being told what to do under the disguise of "help" (and god forbid I didn't accept the "help" that would only make my life worse as I pointed out every single step of the way) took their toll (beyond giving me a pretty intense case of PTSD with a shitty prognosis, meaning I'll never fully recover). Not only that, but one of the people concerned decided to take the already shattered pieces of my life and blow them into the proverbial wind. I didn't know where to start. I knew where I wanted to go. That didn't change in the ten years between handing in my degree and the sweet glorious freedom. But I didn't know where to start.
Starting in February 2018 I used astrology to start picking up the pieces of my broken life. It was around the time I was starting to get back into tarot. This was strictly a writing related endeavour in the Before.
The Before is any time prior to handing in my final degree project on 14th May 2008, when I thought with the degree I would finally be accepted as an adult and allowed to move on with my life and work, etc. Working and having financial independence was very important to me (and still is). From an early age my father wouldn't let me wear what I wanted and later in relationships I would end up with men that would argue about make-up, clothes, music or anything that makes me, me. So having my own money to buy my own things was just so important to me (and no arguments if I was paying for it, but men hate an independent woman). Obviously, I now recognise this as controlling and abusive (it was the cultural norm in America, less so here, but I'd always end up with men that would control and slowly erase me because that's what I was raised to believe love is, it isn't and it wasn't until post #metoo that I was finally able to phone the police on creeps so I could finally be relationship free to put my life where I wanted it because until it is where I want it, I'll only attract the same people I went through 8 fucking long years of education-hell to get away from, tbh, I'm not sure if when I'm where I want that I will want a relationship, I was always pretty repulsed by the idea growing up and still find people to be repulsive in the romantic and sexual sense).
A bit off topic, but yesterday at work, I was talking to colleagues about how badly I wanted one of those princess prom dresses but never had one (all my gowns and evening wear fit the 'goth' description) because my father would buy my clothes for school dances. So you can see how much that continued to impact me until #metoo and some legal changes freed me. Even men that say they "look after their baby" well, they ain't paying the goddamn rent or letting "their baby" work in the field in which "their baby" spent eight gruelling years qualifying to work in. And it goes beyond clothes. I have to have a special mattress because of my pain levels. I wouldn't have been allowed to purchase that. Same with my trainers that I posted about when I bought them. It goes on and on and I don't want that in my life. The way not to have it is to work in the field I qualified in.
(back on topic)
So as I was starting to pick up projects where I left them in 2007-2008, I was using the tarot cards as I remembered that project. But the tarot card meanings always seemed to come with an astrology website. I would look up my daily horoscope for my sun sign and I started to apply it to my life. It gave me areas to work on and basically helped organise my shattered life pieces. And I'm still using it today, but I've advanced a bit further than my sun sign. I do find that scheduling my life by astrology helps me. It may not help me forever but while it is working I will continue to use it.
Which brings us to Mars moving into Aries, which happened a few days ago. I am still absolutely exhausted. I'm hoping that once I get this debt I've been left with paid off I can afford to go private for testing. I'm getting pretty fed up of being passed between NHS departments. That and they won't pay for the Lyme Disease test which is one of the top possibilities. As no amount of astrology is going to diagnose and then treat whatever is causing the health issues (and no, positive thought won't either, I will do a long ranting post about positive thought when I find the energy).
Mars in Aries is meant to be an energy boosting transit. We're approaching the longest day here in the Northern Hemisphere. All these things should boost my energy so I can do more than I have been. It is so frustrating. I worked hard for eight years at education from the lowest level (I think I've covered on here how my mother lied to the school, and the schools were really awkward about putting me on the right level, with the ever changing goal posts [more abuse right there] etc) then ten years of being forced through an ever-tightening spiral (fuck you to everyone that supports the policies and politicians that put these harmful policies under the disguise of "help" into place, they hurt the very people that you claim you're helping or try to martyr us, we're not martyrs, we just want to live our lives).
I have my dream job that I worked hard to get. I have my writing career. My visual art is doing great when I have the energy for it. Dancing is going okay, I still don't have the space (but that'll be sorted hopefully within the next 18 months). Sound is getting there (when the space for dancing is sorted, I will purchase a synthesiser). The debt is slowly being repaid (I don't know if financial abuse is coming under the domestic violence laws yet, I haven't had the energy to keep up with it). So my life is where I want it (or where I wanted it to be heading in 2008, I lost ten years and it did take four years to get to here, two of those spent freelancing in the field in which I work in).
I just don't have the energy to do anything beyond these things. Like even going to the cinema takes too much out of me. I know I'm not in my early twenties anymore and I won't take uppers and downers (there's a big problem with society right there, the reliance on uppers and downers to do shallow things you're being forced or coerced into doing and then further numb you). If I had been allowed to work after I handed in my degree assignment I was obviously going to go private for testing (NHS denied a lot of women testing and treatment prior to 2018 so now there's a massive backlog of women who don't have gynaecological or mental health problems to blame for their symptoms, and yes I did have these symptoms before developing PTSD).
These things I'm doing now are stretching me past my limits. I didn't have much energy in 2008 but I thought because I was young that if I had been allowed to work, it would come (and with private testing to get to the root of my health problems). At least any remaining people that take their cluster b personality disorder out on me are held at grey rock level. And since I've been able to have a proper self-care routine, creeps leave me the fuck alone, even without posting daily selfies on social media (I'm hopefully getting my nails and eyebrows done today and yes that is part of my self-care routine).
I know from 2018 and a bit in summer 2017 until the pandemic, I was at least able to enjoy live music when I could afford to do so. I don't see myself doing that again. But I have the memories. Including that time I went to London on the coach to see Skinny Puppy. The coach back wasn't until the next morning so I was out all night. I was too old for that then. I dread to think what that would do to me now. It was still fun though and 100% worth it. And now, with my energy levels being lower (although the pain management route I'm on works wonders without opioids at this point in time) I am so grateful I went to see Skinny Puppy and have that experience to smile about.
Sorry about the blurry Skinny Puppy photo. It was taken before I started doing daily selfies and taking pictures of pigeons (both of which really improved my photography skills).
And a meme I saw on facebook yesterday.
I'll be back over the course of this long and glorious weekend to post the book stuff you lot really want, including a release date for Stef and Tucker 5 and information about when paperbacks of the JEA books I re-issued will be available. I haven't had the energy to think about Night of the Penguins (still available on audible) and 56 Seconds yet.
RSS Feed
